Strength Year

messages from the spirit world

In recent months and years I’ve been trying to get in the habit of asking the spirit world for help. I’ve avoided doing this directly for awhile, mainly because I’m afraid of seeing ghosts, and nervous about being tricked by my own mind and her tendency to create drama. But I’m at a point lately where the prospect of laying my burdens down outweighs my superstitions. So at the opening edge of the winter solstice I stood outside under the sky, in the middle of an empty road, and I asked the spirit world (any ancestors, angels, or energies that have my best interests in mind) for a message of guidance. On this night in December I was asking something along the lines of: what do I do with this confusion - anguish - dis-ease - avoidance - in myself and in the world?

In return I got two messages. I don’t know how else to describe it but to say that I heard (or saw?) these words in my mind. The first was: 

“Love it all.”

This was closely followed by: 

“You have to get stronger.”

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These words passed between my eyes, slid into my heart and sunk down into my gut. I felt relieved and intimidated at the same time because I knew it was true. I knew that these messages were both an empowerment and a challenge.

Love it All. Ok. Love it All. Love all of it, not just the parts that are easy to love. All includes everything.

So that means Love the painful, frustrating, awkward, itchy, embarrassing, infuriating, confusing, shameful, dull, and horrific parts of being a living witness and participant of the human experience. LOVE IT ALL. Nothing is exempt. Everything is included.

This message seemed to say: Love isn’t about picking and choosing. Love is being willing to see and allow reality as it is, not how I might want it to be.

It’s a deep humbling love, the kind of love that levels a person, that asks me to reshape myself from the ground up.

What follows is my attempt to write about love, and getting stronger, and what these two messages mean to me.

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The beloved Thich Nhat Hanh has some things to say about love. In February at a friend’s house I came across his book, “Cultivating the Mind of Love”, where he explores what we think of as “romantic love” as a portal to capital L, Love. He writes: “Your first love has no beginning or end. Your first love is not your first love, and it is not your last. It is just love. It is one with everything.”

Reading this brought an immediate, quiet calm to my soul and body, as his words tend to do. It was a relief to consider the reality of love slowly unfurling and releasing itself from the snags of what I’ve been told it’s supposed to be or what it should feel like or look like. (Cue all the rom-coms I watched in the early 2000’s and a string of exciting and often painful and confusing romantic relationships through my teens and twenties.) Love extends beyond attachment, possession, jealousy, heartbreak, and fixed timelines. Love isn’t limited. Love is one with everything.

Perhaps if I look more deeply at my love for a finite someone or something, the smell after it rains, a dear friend, or the tree offering shade, I’ll understand that these are all facets of the same love. The individual entities that I direct my love towards are ones of many shimmering scales gracing the body of the great everything fish, catching the light as it swims through the deep dark love sea of the universe. Oh yea, and that love sea is made up of me, and you, and everything we’ve ever loved and everything that’s ever loved us too, because we are all refractions of one breathing, living ever transforming web of being.

(Are you still with me? I got a little carried away there…)

Of course Love, just like God (which many religions say = Love), won’t be described in totality by little old me, but I’m enjoying the puzzle of trying. Pull up a chair — this is a puzzle we do together, and it never ends.

So what is Love, and what could it mean to Love it All?

It seems to me that Love is an experience, and Love is an action - an energetic force. A force of nature. What we call Love seems to be the thing that knits the whole universe together, and also what gives it permission to fall apart, in order to be rewoven, and so on, and on, and on, again.

Maybe to love is to be awake and present enough to perceive beauty —
• in the glimmer of my fingertips reflecting and absorbing sunlight
• in the pink flower still radiant with someone’s shoeprint embedded in its petals
• in the rainbow spectrum of gasoline merging with wet pavement
• in the people that wake up and try again after losing everything imaginable.

Maybe to love is to act in service of a whole, complex truth - not just a slice of it.
Maybe love is the flickering heat of life force.
The cool rush of letting go.
The basis of forgiveness, of art, of family.
The foundation of true strength.

“You have to get stronger.”

Can I love the people who have forgotten how to love, who have narrowed their view of who is deserving of love? (With the awareness that this sometimes includes myself). Can I love those who are so at war with their own pain that they choose to inflict that pain on others?

The spirit world’s message says Yes.

Love it all.

To try and pull ourselves out of this sticky membrane of love, the reality of interdependence — is to confuse, tangle, and tear. But where one part of the web knots up and rots, new strands are already being spun and pulled from one end to the other, gathering starlight as its weavers work steadily through the night.

We could see ourselves as stuck — caught in the web, or buoyed by it.

Strands of love continue to be woven whether or not we choose to believe in it, or believe ourselves worthy of it, or believe others worthy of it. Whether we embrace that connection or see it as a nuisance, love is still holding us.

In his book TNH tells the story of his first love, which was complicated by the profession he'd been called to: “As a monk, you are not supposed to fall in love, but sometimes love is stronger than your determination.”

Knowing that he and the person he was in love with (a buddhist nun) couldn’t be together because of their commitments to their work was heart wrenching, but ultimately he was able to see it as a doorway into a deeper experience of love. The love he felt for her gave him a glimpse of the depth of Love itself.

Sometimes love is stronger than our determination.

What if I could focus on embodying that kind of love, that pushes thru the determination to resist love, for whatever reasons? Where in my body am I resisting love, refusing to receive love? To experience the love that shows me the love in everything? 

It’s interesting to me that the message I received about needing to get stronger was a follow-up to “Love it all”. Because to really Love it All, as I’m being told, I think I do have to get stronger: mentally - physically - spiritually - energetically. There is a lot of confusion and distraction in the world, embedded into our modern lifestyles. It takes personal and collective willpower to choose a path deeply grounded in love rather than succumb to the momentum of rush, buy, blame, and complain. Avoid, ignore, spin out. Scroll, scroll, shrink & sink. 

To be able to love it all, including these whirlpool patterns that have their own lessons to teach, I have to be strong enough to take in difficult information and be open to experiencing the pain that information contains.

I also have to be committed to taking care of myself and the beings around me, and to be open to experiencing the pleasure of the sun warming my skin, the softness of the wind, the sweet mystery of the moon, the curiosity of a little green bug exploring my arm.

Sometimes extra inner strength and stability is required to be able to give and receive love in challenging circumstances.

It seems that Love has a lot to do with acceptance. I’ve been learning that to really love myself, I have to accept myself fully. I have to accept the parts of myself that are insecure, the dark hairs on the back of my legs, my tendencies to be judgmental and hypocritical, the tightness in my chest. Again and again. I have to consciously decide to listen to the parts of myself that are hurting, rather than try to “make it go away” — something I have attempted and failed to do many times. :)

Through a lot of struggle, denial and avoidance I have learned that pain needs acknowledgement, recognition, and honoring, in order to move and release.

Because what happens when I only give love & acceptance to the parts of myself that I “like”.? What happens to the parts of myself that I deprive of love?

They burrow down, they wander lost, wounded, they shrivel up and stagnate, blocking other systems from flowing with ease. They lash out.

I don’t get to hear their stories.
I don’t get a complete picture of who I actually am, or who others are.

I only pay attention to who I want myself to be — or who I think I’m supposed to be. And anything getting in the way of that is a nuisance to be punished or cast out.

It’s a warped and narrow vision, when there’s so much more to see.

How does this manifest in societies, in nation-states, on a global-level?

What happens when we only see others as what we think they are, or who we’re told they are, without actually taking the time to find out?

If we don’t love all of it, are we missing the point of love?

I return to these words from Thich Nhat Hanh again and again: “Medicine may be bitter, but it can heal our sickness. Reality may be cruel, but to see things as they are is the only way to heal ourselves. Reality is the ground of effective liberation.”

My friend Lele says: Knowledge is protection and power.
Choosing to see the full, complex scope of a situation makes us stronger, smarter, and sets us up for action that’s grounded in integrity.

By accepting and allowing what’s in my experience to exist, and share with me what it needs to share, I’m less likely to keep holding it in my body. Once I’ve received and accepted the information, I can let it continue on its journey, integrate or metabolize as it needs to.

Love is a fortification. 

& I’m told that I have to get stronger.

I interpreted this to mean that in order to be present for all that is here, and on its way, I have to be able to manage a higher level of intensity. Things are changing constantly (as they presumably always have), yet it seems that the changes we’re being faced with on Earth have been getting more and more extreme.

What are the options when I’m faced with extreme change and disruption to my sense of stability and safety?

One option, that I’ve chosen many times, is to shut down and disassociate, to find a way to avoid the problem. Whatever’s happening feels too big, too scary, too painful — I don’t know what to do, so I numb out by focusing on other things or sometimes trying to make myself disappear. I notice myself getting smaller, quieter, slower, and literally lower to the ground. To be fair, I think this response also has wisdom in it — it's a protection mechanism that exists in our bodies for a reason. Many animals will go limp or play dead, to trick predators and protect themselves.

Similarly I’ve observed in myself how denial can be a helpful response to horrific grief, as it buys our psyche time to process and come to terms with an incomprehensible loss. When a dear friend unexpectedly died a couple years ago, I watched my mind ping-pong between “[my friend] is f**ing dead” to “there’s no way this is real” — back and forth for weeks. Some realities are so hard to accept that we physically cannot take it all in at once, and that is okay.

A challenge I see for us humans in this particular time and place is that with the internet, social media, shopping, alcohol & other addictive drugs, we have so many tools for boosting our ability to numb ourselves and disassociate. For many of us these tools are at our fingertips with very few restrictions, and very few structural checks & balances to tell us it’s time to stop. Often times we can become so numb that it becomes a default feeling, and we forget how to get out of it. (I am speaking from my own experience, and what I’ve witnessed in our society and other people in my life).

The key point is that eventually, when the acute danger has passed, animals that have played dead for their own safety instinctively get back up, and continue on their way.

Because these tools we use to distract ourselves are designed to hijack our attention, it's then up to our own minds, our own willpower, or sometimes the people around us that are paying attention, to tell us when enough is enough — it’s time to shake it off and stand up.

I had an experience in May (five months after I started writing this essay) where I got another message from the spirit world, or deep within my subconscious, or perhaps the place where these two realms meet (I’m not sure how this all works). I was standing with my hands pressed to the trunk of a beautiful juniper tree, smoking a joint and opening myself up for guidance. This time the message was:

“Wake the F*** Up!”

Followed by: “This person [me] is not helpless.”
“This person knows how to help herself, and the people around her.”

I’d been stuck in a fog of confusion/grumpiness/disempowerment for weeks.

It can be easy to feel disempowered in current circumstances. There are forces that actively thrive on our disempowerment. Loving it all and getting stronger in this world are not particularly “easy” things to do. There's a cultural myth in the U.S. that tells us things should be easy and convenient — here, just put your food in this Styrofoam takeout container, and then throw it “away” when you get home — it’s so easy. Too bad that what’s supposedly “easy” and convenient in the moment is making us sick. It’s making the ocean sick, water ways sick, air and earth sick, animals and humans sick. Choosing the short-term convenience has a long term cost.

This attitude of wanting quick fixes and avoiding short term inconveniences has implications in our relationships / social fabric, and also in our physical bodies. In an interview on his podcast, Ezra Klein & guest Rhaina Cohen talked about this in relationship to our social norms - how we choose to avoid short term moments of awkwardness (like asking a stranger for directions) that prevent us from having long term benefits (like making a life-long friend, or feeling connected in a community). In his book “Fatal Conveniences”, Darren Olien shares his research about all the products that are sold to us that promise convenience, only to end up exposing us to toxic chemicals that can cause all kinds of disease in our bodies. I am frustrated with the way this prioritization of convenience weakens our hearts, our bodies, communities, and our spiritual willpower.

So another option I see that I have when faced with extreme change and disruption in my life and in our world is to first be present and observe the fullness of what is happening, to the best of my ability. To notice when I am needing to rest or space out for a bit and then remind myself to come back and do what needs to be done. To listen to what the many parts of myself have to say, to feel the implications of the information I receive, and let it move through me. To grieve, and release as needed.*** I find that this process gives me the energy I need to be able to move and act.  It requires patience, and building in practices into my life that help me build my willpower, my focus, my ability to perceive beauty, my capacity to experience love and act from love.

*** of course, for many of us learning to grieve is a whole other hurdle but in my opinion an essential life skill, more on that later.

It seems like looking for the easy way through it, the shortcut to skip over the difficult feelings is actually the hard way, and ironically ends up extending my misery.

I've heard it said that we have to “feel it to heal it”. If there is actually a ‘shortcut’ to feeling better, I think that would be it — but it’s not a quick fix. It’s a slow fix — one that unfolds and blooms over time. It melts time. It drops me back into body time, earth time. Love time.

The prompt that it’s time to “get stronger” held another significance for me. As an introvert / sensitive person who has been strapped into the rollercoasters of chronic anxiety, ptsd symptoms, deep grief, and nervous system overload in varying degrees throughout the last decade, I've retreated internally in a lot of ways because I couldn’t handle “normal” levels of stimulation. At its worst I would unravel into panic in the movie theater, at concerts, driving down the highway, or just from hearing my own heart beat when trying to go to sleep.  I can see that I’ve been healing because I’m now craving more stimulation — my body needs higher intensity exercise, I’m feeling more extroverted and wanting to be around more people, share ideas, try new things. I am quicker to notice I’m avoiding something difficult, and have less tolerance for staying stuck in avoidance. I notice my nervous system still scanning for threats, but I spend less time fixated on what terrifying things “could” happen and am able to relax into the acceptance that so much is out of my control.

Death doula training has been a huge blessing in my life because it’s helped me accept that change, and sorrow, are both natural parts of this life and I don’t have to resist them so much like I have in the past. I can let them run their course.  I appreciated this conversation by Mirror Moons, especially how they framed the lesson that suffering and discomfort are constantly arising — there’s no cessation to the discomforts and pains of life, but we get to choose how we respond to these experience when we notice them arising.

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I originally intended to share this back in January. These messages about love and strength felt prescient to me at that time because in numerology the year 2024 is associated with the number 8 (2+0+2+4 = 8), which connects it to the 8th card of the Tarot: Strength.

Strength is the card of compassionate courage. The image that often represents Strength shows us a woman who has befriended a lion — a wild dangerous beast that is now looking adoringly at her and receiving her love with bliss. The woman is not afraid of the lion. Maybe the card means that Strength is the ability to love through fear, or to love what we’re afraid of, and to find out that love dissolves fear. To be strong is not to be without fear, or without weakness necessarily, but to accept that it’s all part of the deal, and love it anyway.

And so, now halfway through 2024 these ideas about Strength and Love continue to be important in guiding my way this year. Perhaps they may resonate with you too.

May beauty break our hearts open again and again, flushing our systems with fresh oxygen and salty tears that cleanse and protect us.

Towards a love that is stronger than our determination,
Rachel

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P.s. Shoutout to all the heart-shaped cacti of Runyon Canyon :)